Cracked.com on the Nintendo 64

Posted 8 Sep 2014 by Squid

This is an article that took me a while to figure out in terms of time and place. It doesn’t have a date posted associated with it, and the author is just a Twitter handle. For what it’s worth, the Cracked Nintendo 64 topic was written by Alex Furlin and published in mid-April 2014.

Now that that’s out of the way I’d just like to say that I realise that this is an article on a comedy site. If you take it seriously, you deserve to be put on the moon.

The article is split into a few sections, so I’ll be covering it as such.

Section 1: Infographics galore

This pert of the article features a few infographics. First and foremost is the on showing the evolution of controllers thoughout the generations. This is the part describing the Nintendo 64 controller:

I never really understood the confusion behind this. The three handles are for different positions, some games require the D-pad other games need the analogues stick. Even Pierce Brosnan didn’t need this explained! Also note that his is the first controller to feature an analogues stick since the Vectrex and Atari 5200, so give some respect where it’s due.

The next image is a flow chart of Nintendo’s thought process when coming up with a new system.

It’s basically saying that when making a new console, Nintendo:

Always makes a wacky new controller.
Ignores trends in technology.
Packages it with Mario
Gives it a stupid name

Fun note: This image wasn’t compressed

N64 Facts

The N64 wasn’t the first to have 3D graphics, it was the SNES with the super FX chip and then the Virtual boy even had 3D graphics. The N64 was the first one to be almost entirely dedicated to 3D games.
True, cannot argue with that.
Someone hasn’t played the Virtual Boy.
Come on, stop beating a dead horse.

Cracked.com on the Nintendo 64

The article then goes on to talk about the history of the N64 with a few jokes thrown here and there such as listing Glover up there with the Nintendo 64 classics. Again, they say that the N64 was the first in analogue controls. It wasn’t.

Apart from that, this section is mostly alright.

The best N64 game

This section just lists off some of the N64’s most popular games but with a twist on the names: “Ocarina of Nerdgasms” and “GoldenCock 007″… I don’t get that second one.

The article ends with the author saying that the best game on the systems was Pokemon Puzzle League. Okay, I guess that it’s meant to be a joke, but I’m afraid it wasn’t really that funny. The Glover joke at the beginning was better

Conclusion

For a comedy site, this article had quite a lack of comedy on it. The main point of lols is that the controller has a weird shape, and that he lists some average games up there with the best ones on the system. That’s about it.